Damned if you do, damned if you don't
I detect a slight panic in my mother's voice as she recounts over the phone the conversation she had with my father. "I really don't understand him. For years we've been spending more than we earn, and we're up to our necks in debt. Yet he continues buying things we can't afford and justifying his actions by saying that he deserves to buy nice things." She pauses to sigh before continuing. "I've asked him how he thinks we're going to pay off the credit cards and he always tells me that he'll be dead in a few short years and his debt will be eliminated."
My father's macabre solution to his dire financial situation chills me to the bone, yet for my mother's sake I muster a weak laugh and tell her that he'll live to be 90 and will be shopping for designer clothes until the day he dies. Her next words surprise me, as I am not accustomed to being seen as an adult through the eyes of my parents.
"I told your father that I admire your decision to continue working even after you have children," she states.
I'm taken aback and think, You do? Wait, you're the woman who, throughout my formative years, hammered into my psyche the importance of devoting yourself entirely to your husband and children. Didn't you advise me to find a husband that would support me so I could stay home and look after the kids?
My head is spinning. I manage a soft "Uhh...Thank you..." before she continues.
"Look at me now," she laments. "He and I decided together that I was going to raise the kids and he was going to support the family, and now I'm almost 60 years old and I have nothing: no career, no paying job, no savings, no future. Who's going to hire a 60 year-old woman? Nobody!"
Her words transported me to November 2005, when I had been privy to this debate while still (unhappily) married. Seated with my parents at a restaurant, I listened in disbelief as my father praised my independence and said that my husband was very fortunate to have a woman who wasn't a financial burden. My mother sat looking at the tablecloth, frustration, pain, and helplessness distorting her elegant features. I was torn between basking in the rare praise my father was bestowing upon me and defending the sacrifice made by my mother three decades earlier, when I was born.
It is ill-advised to contradict the temperamental patriarch of a Hispanic family, especially with the intent of pointing out that he is backtracking on his own teachings and beliefs. Therefore, my mother and I sat in meek silence while my father lamented his situation as the only breadwinner in the family. "I've had to live my entire adult life knowing that if I go down, I drag all of you down with me. That's a difficult burden to bear."
My urge to defend my mother overcame my fear of my father's irrational temper, so I calmly suggested to him that her decision had been in accordance with the cultural tendencies of their generation. Emboldened by my observation, my mother added in a thin voice, "I did what was expected of me, and it was a decision we made together, in case you've forgotten."
While my father blinked in disbelief, she went on, her voice gaining strength. "Not only did I raise the kids and keep house, but I've also managed the finances of the family business for over a decade, never charging an hour's wage. Do you understand how hard it is to watch you make business decisions I don't approve of, knowing that even though I have no say, my lifestyle will be impacted?"
My mother's last sentence summarizes everything that was wrong with my marriage and validates my desire to never again depend completely on a man. While I don't understand women who choose to have children only to abandon them in day care while they chase high-powered careers and materialistic lifestyles, I am equally baffled by women who sacrifice all semblance of autonomy and self-development for the "greater good" of the family.
Is their sacrifice really doing the family a world of good? Does the husband benefit by knowing that "if he goes down, he drags everyone down with him"? Does the wife benefit by not putting her emotional, physical, and intellectual needs first? Do the children benefit by having role models that are displeased with the parts they were assigned to play?
But most importantly: Is there a happy medium? Can a woman be a supportive wife and a devoted mother without putting herself in last place? Also, what roles do culture and society play in this monumental lifestyle choice?
My father's macabre solution to his dire financial situation chills me to the bone, yet for my mother's sake I muster a weak laugh and tell her that he'll live to be 90 and will be shopping for designer clothes until the day he dies. Her next words surprise me, as I am not accustomed to being seen as an adult through the eyes of my parents.
"I told your father that I admire your decision to continue working even after you have children," she states.
I'm taken aback and think, You do? Wait, you're the woman who, throughout my formative years, hammered into my psyche the importance of devoting yourself entirely to your husband and children. Didn't you advise me to find a husband that would support me so I could stay home and look after the kids?
My head is spinning. I manage a soft "Uhh...Thank you..." before she continues.
"Look at me now," she laments. "He and I decided together that I was going to raise the kids and he was going to support the family, and now I'm almost 60 years old and I have nothing: no career, no paying job, no savings, no future. Who's going to hire a 60 year-old woman? Nobody!"
Her words transported me to November 2005, when I had been privy to this debate while still (unhappily) married. Seated with my parents at a restaurant, I listened in disbelief as my father praised my independence and said that my husband was very fortunate to have a woman who wasn't a financial burden. My mother sat looking at the tablecloth, frustration, pain, and helplessness distorting her elegant features. I was torn between basking in the rare praise my father was bestowing upon me and defending the sacrifice made by my mother three decades earlier, when I was born.
It is ill-advised to contradict the temperamental patriarch of a Hispanic family, especially with the intent of pointing out that he is backtracking on his own teachings and beliefs. Therefore, my mother and I sat in meek silence while my father lamented his situation as the only breadwinner in the family. "I've had to live my entire adult life knowing that if I go down, I drag all of you down with me. That's a difficult burden to bear."
My urge to defend my mother overcame my fear of my father's irrational temper, so I calmly suggested to him that her decision had been in accordance with the cultural tendencies of their generation. Emboldened by my observation, my mother added in a thin voice, "I did what was expected of me, and it was a decision we made together, in case you've forgotten."
While my father blinked in disbelief, she went on, her voice gaining strength. "Not only did I raise the kids and keep house, but I've also managed the finances of the family business for over a decade, never charging an hour's wage. Do you understand how hard it is to watch you make business decisions I don't approve of, knowing that even though I have no say, my lifestyle will be impacted?"
My mother's last sentence summarizes everything that was wrong with my marriage and validates my desire to never again depend completely on a man. While I don't understand women who choose to have children only to abandon them in day care while they chase high-powered careers and materialistic lifestyles, I am equally baffled by women who sacrifice all semblance of autonomy and self-development for the "greater good" of the family.
Is their sacrifice really doing the family a world of good? Does the husband benefit by knowing that "if he goes down, he drags everyone down with him"? Does the wife benefit by not putting her emotional, physical, and intellectual needs first? Do the children benefit by having role models that are displeased with the parts they were assigned to play?
But most importantly: Is there a happy medium? Can a woman be a supportive wife and a devoted mother without putting herself in last place? Also, what roles do culture and society play in this monumental lifestyle choice?
posted by Baja Babe at 5:55 PM
4 Comments:
I was struck this morning,-from a normal incident- about the differences there are between having options and making choices. The consequences are competely separate.
Also, people make choices, but choices make people into what they become through the lives that their choices open up for them. What do you think?
skatecat - Dr. Steven Covey says that just like we're responsible for our choices, we're responsible for the consequences. The "wrong" decisions I've made through life have been the ones that have taught me the most about myself.
Faced with this reality, I think that while making a choice is scary and facing the consequences takes guts, remaining ambivalent in fear of the outcome is certainly not an option.
Thanks for your input!
Well put. If we face life without blinders on and can truly see what's going on around us (and to us) we're in a much better position to accept responsibility for what's happened to us (or by us).
We've all made mistakes in life. Some were idealogical, some were tactical, but with luck we have learned from them and can look back and see how they happened. That can lead us to anticipate them in our futures as well as the futures of those around us.
I believe it's all about balance. A woman can forsake her career when her kids are born and still retain a connection to the outside (adult) world. Similarly, she can go back to work after six weeks and still be a nurturing, caring mother. It's not easy to do. It's not easy to be a father who feels obligated to work 40+ hours each week and only see his children just before they go to bed each night. But there's a balance to be struck. If you look for it you can find it.
2x4 - I agree that it's about balance, but it's also about being on the same wavelength, sharing the same values, and having the same goals in life as a couple. That can make a world of difference.
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