Wednesday, November 08, 2006

D-day, part I

I am free. I am legally divorced. I am a single woman. I can put the past three nightmarish years out of my head.

Except, I can't. I keep having crazy bad dreams every single night; dreams in which my drunk ex-husband is grabbing me and won't let go; dreams in which he messes something up and the divorce papers don't go through; dreams that make me wake up screaming, my heart pounding in my chest and my breath shallow and agitated.

I'm starting to get worried, as this is not normal. On the surface, I am fine: happy, optimistic, determined, very much in love. Sub-consciously, as my dreams can attest, I am obviously a wreck.

The man made my life a living hell - with my permission - for three years. I have no love left in my heart for him, yet I also don't want to hate him. Hate is unhealthy and conducive only to bitterness, illness, and stagnation. I want to forgive and forget, move on to the happier life I am creating for myself. So why is my sub-conscious not letting me?

Am I really going to have to take this to a therapist? Or will time heal my emotional wounds?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

A therapist couldn't hurt. Well...the wrong one could, but most of them wouldn't be the wrong one. I'd endorse the whole "forgive and forget" thing. It's easier to forgive than to forget though. Work on one and the other will follow. These things don't just happen overnight. They take time. Three years is a big part of your life. You can't expect to snap your fingers and have it all disappear.

You have to be satisfied that you are on the right path, and have faith that it will get you where you're going.

2:58 PM  
Blogger planner17 said...

2x4 - Thank you. :) Your comments are always thoughtful and insightful.

5:34 PM  
Blogger shellz said...

Hey Pilar,

Thanks for your comment on my's amazing how grown woman can care so much about what our parents think!!

Congrats on your divorce...sounds like the guy was quite the nightmare, and good for you for having the courage to take the next step in your journey. :)

7:31 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

This is probably not what you want to hear, but 4 years after my break-up, I'm still having weird dreams/nightmares about the ex, despite being in a much happier relationship. twobyfour is right, it takes time. Biggest thing I learned from therapy is to ask myself why about everything. Why am I having these dreams? For me, it's fear of slipping back into that place I struggled so hard to get out off. From my perspective, fear isn't such a bad thing, if it helps make us conscious of the importance of living the life we want to live.

10:11 AM  

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